A show of solidarity Since Darren was so honest and told us of his... incident, I thought I would show some support and tell a couple of stories myself. Now, this isn't the kind of stuff I usually talk about. Oh sure, it comes up with my girl friends once in a while. I mean, we all share bathroom stories with our best friends, right? While these vignettes are not in the same category as Darren's, I thought they might provide a laugh anyway. I give you my series of Bathroom Issue Stories from this weekend. Scene I: Friday, Nov. 18, about noon I'd gone to the mall with Chrissy and the kids to Hecht's for "Friday Door Busters." After we bought a few things and let the kids play at the little playground, we went to the food court for some lunch. I drink a lot of water -- and it's rare to see me without a water bottle. So of course I have to take lots of bathroom breaks. I ate my grilled Chick-Fil-A sandwich and headed to the mall bathroom. I don't like public restrooms, but what're you gonna do? When you gotta go, you gotta go. So I head for the first stall (because Nabbalicious has told me about a study where the first stall is usually the cleanest. People apparently usually skip that one. Of course, the study and the info being out there now probably makes that that null and void.) I open the door, do a spot check. Clean seat. Toilet paper. All systems go. But too late I realize the toilet paper thingy (Yeah, that little spinny thing in the middle. What the hell is that called? I hate it when my mind blanks on the smallest words.) won't spin. I stick my hand into the holder and try to move the roll of paper. Nothing. COME ON! I was so careful! UGH. I sat there and debated for a minute. What to do? Certainly, this isn't a new situation. It happens to people all the time. But what's a girl to do? Fortunately, there were those seat covers hanging on the wall. So I used some of those. Not pleasant, but hey. I was desperate. So now I spose I'll have to revise my criteria process. Is the seat clean? Is there toilet paper? Does the toilet paper actually come OUT? Scene II: Sunday, Nov. 20, afternoon I was contemplating switching from Sam's Club to Costco (anyone see a big difference between the two?). So Chrissy and I went to check it out. We looked around a while then stopped at the "food court" on the way out. We each had a slice of cheese pizza and a drink, then headed to a fabric store. We browsed, I bought some fabric that I needed for a project. While we were standing in line at the register, my stomach started to feel pretty bad. Roiling. I don't think it enjoyed the pizza very much. I wondered if there was a restroom in there, but decided I'd be OK. We paid and left. At our next stop, Ben Franklin, we were looking for a white shadow box frame for another project I'm working on. (I'm full of 'em these days.) As we're walking around the store, I get that feeling again. This time, I really need to find a restroom. A clerk is walking by. I ask where it is. She tells me, though I'm not entirely clear on her directions. I see some double doors she was talking about, but the doors have an employees only sign on it. I was glad to see another clerk near the doorway, so I asked if that was the way to the bathroom. It was. Hallelujah. It's a two-stall bathroom. Someone's in the first one, so I have to go into the handicapped one, which is always disconcerting to me. The other person will leave. And then what if someone comes in who really needs the large stall? Will they think I'm just rude and use that one because I just felt like it? Oh well. No time to ponder. Besides, it's not like I'm in Target where everyone knows where the bathrooms are. The stall is fine. Clean enough. You know sometimes when your stomach feels really really bad and you start to feel lightheaded? And your mouth kinda waters like you might throw up? It was one of those days. The first person flushes and leaves. She may have washed her hands. I don't know. I couldn't be bothered with that sort of information at the time. I hear some talking outside the bathroom doors. "Well is there just one stall?" Then the door flies open and in come three loud people. Two adults and a kid. One of the adults goes into the available stall. The second one yanks on the door to my stall. Oh god, go away, I thought. But it's locked, right? So ha! Only a few seconds later, she yanked on it again harder. And the door flew open. I yelped. "Oh god! I'm so sorry. I didn't unlock it! I didn't unlock it." Whatever lady. You totally just almost yanked the door off the hinges. I have to get the hell out of there. Meanwhile, I can't right that second and the door is ajar and it's too far away to reach. I got myself together, flushed and came out of the stall. "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry," the lady kept saying. "It's OK." I washed my hands and got the hell out of there. This is why I hate public restrooms. HATE THEM. Scene III: Sunday, Nov. 20, around 11:30 p.m. David and I went to see Harry Potter 4 and as happens sometimes, I had to go to the bathroom during the movie. (The water thing, you see.) So I run into the ladies' room and again take the first stall. That trick doesn't always work for me, but sometimes I get lucky. Clean seat? Check. Toilet paper? Check. I'm in a time crunch, so I risk it and assume the paper will come out. It does. So I was in the stall and two girls (I'm assuming they were teenagers) came in and take stalls. Here's the conversation they had: Girl 1: You know, I have to admit, I'm a sitter, not a squatter. I thought what the heck is she talking about? Then it became clear. Girl 2: Oh me too. I just put down toilet paper on the seat. Girl 1: Oh I don't even do that. I go bare-bottomed. Girl 2: Oh my GOD. What if there's a pube or something on the seat? Now sadly, I don't remember what Girl 1 said to that. I'm sure it was an interesting answer. And I think she may have said she wipes it off, but I can't be sure. I had a movie to get back to. So there you have it. I guess you can divide females into two groups. One that sits right on the toilet seat and one that has to have a buffer. Discuss.